Muslim men behaving un-dadly
In the UK there is a charity called “Men Behaving Dadly” which supports fathers and other male carers to improve their relationships with their children through play and other activities (the name is also used by various courses, often run by churches). The phrase sprang to mind after I heard of yet another scandal involving the sexual behaviour of non-scholarly Muslim preachers who build their following on social media. In this case it involved a preacher approaching a divorced woman with children for temporary marriage (though not technically ‘temporary’ as no finish date was specified, which is prohibited) so as to fulfil his sexual desires until he could find himself a “proper wife”, a virgin that is. He also alleged that he had been having difficulties finding a wife through legitimate channels, i.e. by approaching someone’s family so that they could assess his suitability for their daughter or relative, and assumed that a single mother would not require the temporary husband to meet her financial needs because she was ‘loaded’, i.e. had lots of money (!). The ‘marriage’ would be secret and there would be no need for his family to know about any of it. The divorced woman in question described the approach on Instagram here.
The video quickly spread onto other platforms, including Twitter which is where I heard discussion of it, and almost as soon as it started to spread, men began defending the man responsible, telling us (and telling women especially) that we shouldn’t condemn him for “trying to satisfy his desires lawfully” as “that’s what marriage is for”, and the man responsible tweeted the hadith that “when an evildoer comes to you with news, verify it”. Others countered by saying that they should not be defending it through technicalities of fiqh when it was clearly despicable, underhand behaviour which they would not like if their sister was in the situation the lady he approached was in and someone made the same suggestion to her.
There are three principal reasons why this isn’t good behaviour for any Muslim, let alone one who represents Islam by becoming known as a preacher or caller.
First, as already mentioned here in connection with a previous scandal, the behaviour of any such person should not be just the right side of lawful, if this behaviour even was that. The behaviour of a Muslim leader should be excellent, not just about OK. We shouldn’t have to grudgingly accept that he did nothing wrong; his behaviour should just not let the matter arise. (I am not talking about accusations here, but about debate about his known behaviour.) There is no place for someone respected and trusted by the Muslim community to be making secret approaches to women and asking them to marry temporarily, least of all doing so in a derogatory manner. Secret marriages are hugely frowned upon in Islam; the hadith call for a public ceremony. The fact of someone being married is a matter of public record, not a secret between the couple and the ‘witnesses’.
Anyone who has studied the books of some of the schools of Islamic law (Reliance of the Traveller, for example) will have come across lists of types of meat we are allowed to eat which in practice we would not even think to eat, including the fox, badger and porcupine, and which if you served your guests and they discovered it, they would probably throw up. This is the like of what this preacher was doing; serving someone fox and then telling them they aren’t good enough to eat chicken or lamb, that the good meat was for someone purer than they are. The behaviour of those who teach the deen should be halaal and tayyib (wholesome and pure), not like junk food of questionable provenance. (And what makes you so pure that you can carry on secret marriages until you find the “right one” and still be good enough for that virgin? By that time, you won’t be one.)
Second, if this man really was a respectable figure in the Muslim community, he would not be having such difficulty finding a marriage partner through legitimate channels as to resort to underhand means like this. If someone was well-known as a teacher of Islam and was known in his local community for his fine character and he made it known that he wanted to get married, even if he was not financially well-off, he might even be getting approaches himself and in any case would have little difficulty finding a partner and securing her family’s blessing. This aspect of his story does not ring true.
Third, single mothers are not walking receptacles for sexual desire or providers of ‘companionship’ to order. They’re mothers, with serious responsibilities — looking after kids is a whole life, a full-time job to balance with a ‘real’ full-time job that pays a wage (and you will not be very rich working a job that you have to juggle with caring for children — where does he get the impression that divorcees are loaded?), and besides the regular cooking, laundry, taking them to school, helping them with homework and so on, she has to comfort them when they’re upset or ill, deal with problems stemming from school, give them guidance, deal with conflict between them, help them with issues stemming from her divorce and so on. By marrying a woman with children you are taking on a fatherly role; you will be a stepdad even if you just think of their mother as a sexual partner. You will also be their mahram and may be the person they come to for support if their real father isn’t available. If you aren’t willing to take on those responsibilities, you shouldn’t marry a woman with children. You will make yourself a “deadbeat dad” before you even have children of your own and her children may add you to the list of men who betrayed them.
We shouldn’t really be taking our religion from men with no scholarly credentials but who set themselves up on YouTube. Having a public platform does not mean you have any authority and these men have none, besides their attachment to anti-Islamic ideologies such as those influenced by Andrew Tate, Jordan Petersen et al. But if you have a public platform and you represent Islam, to Muslims or others, you have a duty to represent it, and us, with impeccable personal behaviour. Approaching a divorced woman or a widow with children on the sly through direct messages on Instagram, inviting her to a secret, temporary marriage and telling her she isn’t good enough to be treated honourably merely because she has one marriage in her past are all despicable behaviours which are completely unbecoming of teachers of Islam. These men shouldn’t be out preaching; they should be learning, and if not actually studying religious knowledge, then getting their degree and then a proper job. There are other ways to contribute to the betterment of the Muslim community, and to wider society if you live in the West, than making yourself a public figure when you don’t have the knowledge to behave decently.
Image source: Meruyert Gonullu, via Pexels (original image here).
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